Hello Swimwear and Lingerie Freaks and a very Happy Totally Retro Tuesday to each and every one of you.

My name is Maggie and it has now been 28 hours since my last piece of Halloween candy.

I’m feeling strong and in control…. except that I desperately want to go and save all the poor Halloween candy that wasn’t bought and will never achieve its dream of being eaten.

WANT Halloween candy. please don't judge me....

WANT Halloween candy. please don't judge me....

What? It’s altruistic!

Like in the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree special… where the trees are sad if they don’t get to fulfill their holiday destiny…Pretty sure that little bit of infallible logic entitles me to all the clearance candy I can find. Wouldn’t you agree?

Charlie Brown saved a Christmas Tree= Maggie has to save the discount Halloween candy!

Charlie Brown saved a Christmas Tree= Maggie has to save the discount Halloween candy!

What? Oh, oh right, lingerie…sorry.

Today’s Vintage Lingerie Ad hails from Valentino and is a wonderful example of showing how stripped of power {and most of her clothing} the woman is nothing more than a pawn in the great patriarchical game of society. Let’s all admire the big, giant head that is watching over our somewhat floaty and super-imposed shapewear clad beauty shall we?

Vintage Valentino Lingerie Ad

Vintage Valentino Lingerie Ad

First of all, let’s just all agree that Valentino really does do some gorgeous lingerie. Not this particularly industrial, granny-ish looking stuff, but there have been some very notable and swoon worthy pieces.

Valentino Lingerie 1993

Valentino Lingerie 1993

…and with the compulsory adoration out of the way, we can talk about how his marketing team suck the big loogie. Seriously, folks. How bad is this ad? Just what are they conveying here?

{giggle… you just can’t go wrong with Shatner as a Supreme Leader of an alien race. AKA The Big Giant Head. Genius casting!}

“Come and be a figment of Valentino’s imagination. You will float like an ungraceful specter in front of the unblinking eyes of the designer, like some lifeless marionette that lives only to be a muse and a plaything. Your value is only what he drapes on you.

He isn’t even looking at you with his massive eyes. He is just looking at the customers who will know doubt be adoring him and not his designs. After all he is the superhero of this little story!”

The Great and Powerful Oz!! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

The Great and Powerful Oz!! Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

Compelling right? Who wouldn’t want to be a stand in for Valentino’s nose? Or so devalued that the best way to sell his lingerie, is being superimposed over an image of his gy-normous head. After all, he is the most important thing about Valentino lingerie. Not the actual lingerie or the woman wearing it, she’s basically an after-thought in the whole campaign.

Let’s not even talk about the fact that he has his nose up her butt… that’s just really odd placement isn’t it?

Paging Naomi Wolf... Naomi Wolf please come to the desk to claim women's worth

Paging Naomi Wolf... Naomi Wolf please come to the desk to claim women's worth

Why is she looking down? Is it a nod to modesty and humility or is she just afraid that her Cirque Du Soleil-esque pose is going to break the invisible cables holding her up? By having her look down, she draws the viewers eyes down to the lingerie, thus intimating that this is the interesting part of her. Kinda harsh if we look at it that way.

Cirque de Soleil Arial Performers have better costumes!

Cirque de Soleil Arial Performers have better costumes!

Hmmm… What do you make of it all? You may have noticed that I haven’t even touched upon the text in the ad. I figured there was more than enough to play around with, without adding in the “panels that will be molding her”. Ick. scratch that. Double ick!

Cheers,

Maggie